I'm going to share a piece of my newest bit of writing with you all, just between us.
"The wonderfully foul lips in my head fall silent,
sown together by gentle hands
that stamp tobacco into pipes
and type fiery words across pages
littered with the raw nerves of a wounded man."
I don't talk about my feelings with the men who are on the receiving end of them. I was burned once, and I haven't been able to get over my fear that when I talk about how I feel the only thing that'll happen is I'll find myself alone again. So here we are. I can't tell him, but I will tell you all, because what are anonymous internet blogs for, right?
Turkey gave me quite a number of sexual partners, but only one I want to go back to. Going backwards usually isn't the best idea, yet here it is in my head. Nothing I can do about it either way, but thinking of him always brings up other issues.
Am I weak for being unhappy without him?
Am I selfish because I don't want that person now, but I don't want him to be with other people?
Should I sleep with someone else to get him out of my head?
Will I ever be brave enough to tell him everything that goes on in my head?
If I'm being honest with myself I already have the answers to each of these. They go: of course not, yes, absolutely not, and a not at all. As far as answers go, they aren't particularly helpful to me, but they're a start. People aren't weak because they miss others. That's life. We like having someone around to share it with, and I found someone I tremendously enjoyed sharing mine with for a short period of time. Losing that sucks, but it doesn't make me weak.
Not wanting someone to be with another person is definitely selfish, but it only crosses a line when I actively do something to prevent it from happening. That right there would be pure narcissism. So I'll stick to my selfish thoughts of dislike towards a girl I've never met and don't have any reason to hate with the hope they'll go away when plied with alcohol and positive thinking.
Sleeping with someone to get over another person is possibly the worst idea anyone's ever had, and that has been confirmed by LITERALLY EVERYONE. Every single person has tried this and every single person has failed miserably. Imma need another way to get over him.
I've been guarded about telling my feelings to my boyfriends ever since high school. First loves who lose interest randomly and call you disgusting for having sex with other people tend to have negative psychological effects like that, among other things. So no, no I will not be brave enough to tell him that I've never felt like this about anyone, and I don't think I'll feel so deeply about anyone else for a long time. Instead I'll accept the fact we'll be friends, trade song ideas and art, and never speak about anything really serious ever again.
I know a lot of people can identify with the helplessness of my situation. I wish less of you did, but that's how life works. Eventually I'll figure out how to be happy by myself again, but till then I'll write poetry and hope he doesn't tell me when he finally hooks up with his ex again.
I'll do my best to finish this poem and post it on here. I like where it's going so far.